I Don’t Want to Grow Up

The moment I stepped into school, one question had been forced down my throat almost every day, “What are you going to do when you’re older?” I’d usually just brush it off, telling myself that I still had tons of time to figure it out. Unfortunately, that time is running out and I still don’t have a clue.

Most of the people I talk to already have immediate answers when asked about their future, “I’m going to be a doctor,” they say. I’d smile and tell them that’s great, then they’d throw the question back at me and I’d feel like I was at a police station with a bright light called future blinding me.

It doesn’t help that I basically have a perfect sibling with her entire life figured out and parents that expect me to be her clone. She wants to be an environmental engineer but to me that translates to “Boring, blah, science, boring.”

One thing people ask me after I pale at the question of what I want to be is what I’m good at. Then my eyes glaze over and a look of horror spreads on my face and I realize that there’s nothing I’m actually “good” at.  I mean, I’m smart, but I could never imagine myself pursuing a career involving math or anything.  I consider myself a decent writer, but careers involving writing are a dime a dozen.

After an eye roll or two, I’m asked what I like to do. I circle back to the topic of writing. I have about 50 notebooks filled with stories involving characters I created doing things I imagined. But again, having an actual career in writing where you can make a decent living is nearly impossible and writing can be way too frustrating. well, I like movies, I’d answer sheepishly. I make a hobby out of watching movies and thinking “right at that moment they should’ve done this instead …” But again, film making and becoming a notable filmmaker is a tough thing to do unless your last name in Spielberg.

Then most likely the person questioning me would give up hope, just like I do every time I think about my future. Technically, I only have until the end of this year to figure it out. Then next year, I’ll be applying for colleges, fishing for scholarships and waving goodbye to the life I have here- moving on to pursue a career that I might end up loathing when I get older.